The Public Option

Every time I have to take off my shoes at the airport, I'm grateful that Richard Reid stuck explosives in his shoes rather than his ass. Waiting in line while people take off their loafers and flip-flops is silly, but waiting in line while people get full cavity searches might make me think twice about flying.

Anyway, as everyone has surely heard by now, an idiot on a flight to Detroit lit his nuts on fire for Christmas. So now the TSA will be installing new full-body scanners to see if we have anything stuffed in our trousers. I haven't heard the details, but I suppose you are privy to a more intimate inspection if something in your pants draws attention.

And then today I received an e-mail from my friend Matt alerting me that, sure enough, suicide bombers are now stuffing explosives in their rectums. Unless these new airport scanners can see clear into my bowels and distinguish between a Taco Bell lunch and IED, I wonder how far off we are from getting free colon exams whenever we fly.

Actually, I think I may have stumbled upon health care reform that everyone can get behind. The TSA can be our delivery method for socialized health care. If the TSA is going to be probing every orifice looking for explosives anyway, with a modicum of medical training, they could alert us to any potential medical conditions we might not have been aware of while they are in there. Everybody wins: planes are safer, people are healthier, and we save money on colon exams, prostate checks, and gynecologist visits.

It might cost a little money to implement, but who would object? Only terrorists could be against making our skies safer.